Thursday, December 16, 2010

A Dream Come True

My very good friend Blake from college called me today to say he's looking for jobs in New York and plans to move here after the new year. I have been in love with him since freshman year, so I wrote him a story to celebrate his wonderful news...

It's a blistering cold snowy day in Manhattan and Kate is inside her tuna can-sized apartment, cleaning poop off her dog Penelope's butt for the thousandth time. Suddenly, the doorbell rings. Kate looks through the peephole and sees two sets of eyeballs. "It must be a two-headed monster!" she shrieks, but opens the door to find a tall toe-headed man and a mutt who resembles a human standing in the doorway. "Oh, phew, it's only Blake and Oliver!"

"SURPRISE! We have traveled from afar, 19 hours, to see you and Penelope!" Blake says.

"19 hours? From Texas?" Kate asks.

"Well, we missed our flight then got on the wrong subway at Grand Central Station, then a bum stole my wallet and sodomized Oliver," Blake explains as he begins to unload his 52 suitcases full of Apple products and designer jeans into the tight apartment hallway. "But we're here to stay; one big happy family; together forever!" he screeches as he hugs Kate and Penelope. Kate starts choking from strangulation.

Over the next few weeks, the precious family spends their days strolling through Central Park, shopping for housewares at Bergdorf's, and re-decorating Kate's kooky old roommate's room into a home office for Blake.

"I read in the New York Times today that you're predicted to be the Don Draper of our time in your new position as marketing president at Apple," Kate says nonchalantly over the spaghetti and week-old vegetables Blake made the family for dinner one night.

Oliver pukes on the new rug and Blake yells at Kate for giving Oliver onions. "Dogs can't eat onions, you stupid idiot!" Kate ignores him, turns to the next page of the Times and reads, "Weekend Getaway Deals on Delta to Greece," in the travel section.

"Omg,omg,omg! Flights to Greece are only $200! We can afford that if we don't feed Penelope and Oliver for a few weeks!" Kate jumps up and down and runs to the hallway closet to pull her suitcase out.

A huge smile forms on Blake's face as hides something behind his back. "Baby girl, I am one step ahead of you. We're going to Greece!"

After boarding Oliver and Penelope in a Bronx pound for the weekend, Kate and Blake jetset to a villa in the Greek Isles. Once they are finally over their jetlag, they decide to take a romantic stroll down the Mediterranean Beach, and out of nowhere, Blake gets down on one knee.

"Little girl, I have loved you since we were 17 and I first saw you drinking a Smirrnoff Ice and dancing to Jay-Z at the Sigma Chi duplex. Will you marry me?" Kate cries and cusses at him for not asking her sooner.

The beautiful couple hoop and holler and immediately high-tail it to a Grecian temple where they exchange 14-carat wedding bands inscribed in hieroglyphics "True Love Forever."

When they get back to the colonies and pick up their canines from The Bronx Zoo (they were kicked out of the pound for acting like wild animals), they call their parents -- Greg, Salma, Kent and Lynne -- to break the wonderful news.

"Who the hell is Kate, and when did you fly to New York?" Kent asks.

"Did you find a proper piano teacher in NYC yet?" Lynne chimes in.

"Thank God someone finally agreed to marry you," Greg mutters.

"Did you bring me back a Grecian urn for my living room?" Salma questions.

Kate and Blake laugh at the silly sluts who raised them and decide to bask in the bliss that is their big apple domestic life.

"Oh by the way," Kate says to Blake. "We're going to start re-decorating your home office... We'll need to paint the walls pink and buy a crib...."


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